Six years ago (2014/15) I met N, and as cliché as it sounds I knew the moment I looked at him that we would be together, get married and have a family. Call it a connection or a spark but something was definitely there between us. I’d never felt anything like that before and trust me I had been through a lot of relationships and men up until that point. We had very little in common, were very different people but it worked (opposites attract), oh and the sex was on point 🙂
I was already a single parent at that point to E who had just turned five. (Yep, I have two kids to two different men now but I will cover that in other blog post at some point.)
Things were great for the most part, I honestly thought I had found my person. N moved in and we became a family. By 2016 we were married. I think after lots and lots of one night stands and flash in the pan relationships all I wanted to be was a wife. Pleased in the knowledge that someone had chosen me to spend the rest of their life with. I was special. No more worrying about if I looked fresh faced in a morning, being able to wear my pj’s the moment I got home from work and letting down the façade of who I pretended to be in public.
In 2018, J was born and though the sleepless nights were tough our family was finally complete.
From memory (and my memory isn’t fantastic at the best of times) this is where the red flags began to air their ugly heads. Because I had been a single parent for 5 years prior to N being on the scene I can say I was a little bit of a control freak. I wanted our family to be perfect and my efforts slid into being a mother rather than a wife. The sex slowed down and N spoke to me about not feeling the passion we once had. I was oblivious; my children needed me, I worked and looked after the house. Over and over and over on repeat. I was happy in my routine of being a good mum, having a nice little family and I could return some of the passion between me and N once the kids were older. That’s what I told myself.
Not long after is when I realised that N was depressed and he had started gambling. Not thousands of pounds but enough to make things tight financially. He started counselling and the gambling stopped but he was still down most days. He also would not consider speaking to a doctor about anti-depressants. He said his depression and gambling was because he didn’t feel like a husband or a man anymore because my focus was the kids. Actually it became that I did have a third child. I looked after everyone, did everything with the kids, everything in the house. But I never stopped loving him. I was so settled being married that I knew he would never cheat on me or ever leave me. We were a partnership. Eventually though things started to get on top of me and I kept a lot of my feelings inside bottled up. N spent more and more nights sleeping on the sofa or on his xbox until the early hours. I’d had enough and in Feb 2020 I asked him to move out. I didn’t want our children to witness our relationship and their dad spiral into nothing, I had to protect them.
N moved out, saw the doctor and started having the kids on a frequent basis. Then Covid-19 lockdown came and I worked like a dog from home. No childcare, working when the kids went to sleep until way past midnight and trying to home school. I was a machine, slept about 4 hours per night and got up and did it all again, seven days a week. I had no time to think about me and N but I knew he was getting better and my feelings towards him hadn’t changed. There was still that spark.
In June once restrictions were lifted slightly N told me he had started seeing someone else. My world fell apart…. In that moment and the days, weeks and months that followed I was a mess. I told him how I felt and he said he would never forgive me for asking him to leave when he had depression and was at his lowest point. I hated myself for letting him go through that time all on his own. We cried, we talked about divorce, we talked about the connection/spark we still had and we had sex
This is where things get even more complicated…….
By July N had told me that he had moved in with his new girlfriend, called A. N wanted to start having the kids overnight but it was too soon for that. Our marriage had only broken down a few months earlier and it didn’t seem enough time for everyone to have processed that our marriage was over.
Throughout the months of July, August and September we would talk about if we had made the right decision applying for a divorce. We confided in each other. We had lots of sex the best sex we had ever had. There was and is still something still between us and I wanted to save my marriage BUT I was the other woman and that destroyed me. I stupidly started dating as I thought it would take my mind off of everything. This pulled me and N even closer together in some f*cked up way that neither of us can explain even now.
Last week N decided that he wanted to stay with A. I have to accept that we are going to be divorced and that there will always be a spark or connection between us. We have to put the kids first.
So this is where we are, this is where I am starting. Heartbroken, feeling worthless and drinking far too much wine facetiming my friends every evening 🙂
Everyday I hope that I feel better than the last and find my way back to the old (but new) me