Today I Am…. Alone

As a single mum I seem to have a million different roles. I’m a maid, a health care professional, a chef, an event planner, financial advisor, a teacher the list could go on and on and on. I suppose its the same for all mums not just single ones.

The main question bugging me today is……. what do I do if my children are not with me for a short period of time? and that has been bothering me since I woke up at 4.55am 💤

Last night the kids stayed with N at his parents house. I cleaned the house, walked the dog, watched a serial killer documentary on Netflix, went for a meal with my sister, I had a few glasses of wine and tried to sleep.

I really have no idea what I am meant to do with my time when I am truly alone. What is my purpose?

Should I have a hobby? Do people start dating? Should I blog? Do I just sit and wait for them to come home? It does feel like I’m just finding things to do until their return. Should it feel like that? I don’t feel like I am embracing the time alone and self-care movement.

I have had time away from the kids before but its usually for an event or a wedding which has been planned months in advance, there is always a reason for me taking some time out from being a mother.

Last night with my sister was lovely, no breaking off a conversation to watch a new TikTok my daughter has edited. Not having to leave my food to go cold whilst I make sure my son has eaten his vegetables or to stop him climbing out of his highchair/seat.

But what last night didn’t give me was satisfaction.

The satisfaction I feel completing one of the mum roles mentioned above. That feeling of knowing they are in bed asleep, content, safe and warm. The feeling of being proud (and punching the air) when E finally gets the maths formula or equation right because we have been over it so so so so so many times.

The ‘I did that, I made that happen’ feeling.

A few weeks ago N told me he wasn’t made to be a dad every day 🤯. I still do not and will never understand how this is a possible feeling or why we planned having a baby together if he felt such a way. He had never mentioned it before and he had been a dad to E for years. Maybe it was different being a step dad.

If N doesn’t have the feelings or satisfaction that I yearn for everyday being a mum what is his purpose? Why would he chose to be alone? Maybe he misses the feeling of spontaneity that you no longer have when you have children. Everything is about routine and leaving the house or doing something different at the drop of a hat seems like a mammoth task.

That said the kids are having a fantastic time with their dad (E video called me today at 6.55am to tell me so) that does give me some comfort. They get to have that dedicated one on one time where N isn’t bogged down from work or doing the bedtime routine over and over again. Maybe he is right maybe this situation will make him appreciate the time he has with the kids. I just have to chalk up that we are different and that we will never feel the same about the children.

So for the rest of today and in the weeks ahead, I need to try and figure out what I should be doing when the children are not with me. What do I want to do? What would make me feel happy? The answer at the moment is I don’t know but part of me is excited about trying to find out. Maybe I will be really good at crafting, sewing or making soaps. Maybe its time for me to dip my toe into the dating pool. Maybe its about me just re-charging from a hard week at work. Maybe its time for me to step out of my comfort zone and be something other than a mum.

Any suggestions anyone?

S

x

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