This week has been testing to say the least…….
N continues to tell me that he is far too busy to phone, text, see the children or discuss any parenting things which may crop up during the week.
I’ve sat and stewed about his busy-ness for a few days now. The fact of the matter is that N is busy doing the things that he would like to do.
Don’t get me wrong I love spending time with my children but what I do not love are the constant spinning cogs within my mind; “Can you put your shoes away please”, “Why are you not dressed for school yet?” “When is the doctors appointment again?” What shall I make for tea today?” “Can I fit a load of washing in the washer between meetings at work?” Things that are always on my to do list 7 days a week. Even when N takes the children out on a Sunday I clean, I wash clothes – I do mum things. As well as trying to fit in the things that I would like to do. For the record……What I would really like to do is lay on a sunbed and have semi-naked waiters bring me cocktails in the boiling hot sun but that isn’t going to happen any time soon.
What can N possibly be doing which makes him too busy to be a parent?
This week I have worked my actual job (typically 28 hours but this week approx. 43 hours!). Ive done the nursery and school mornings. I’ve done the meal prep, the washing, the bath and bedtime routine, the homework, the bloody autumn walk in the freezing cold that nursery requested we complete so they have leaves for a classroom display, read the endless emails from school (which is a full time job in itself) and continued to be a referee to two children who cannot share an iPad. I have also found time to read, write this blog, go for a run, have one early night, drink wine and video call my friends which keeps me sane.
Maybe it’s that I am jealous of N and his busy life of not parenting? But then I remember the satisfaction I get from looking at my tidy-ish house and sleeping children and thinking I’ve nailed this, I am bloody amazing, I’ve done this all on my own, I am like a super human.
Ive thought a lot recently about my expectations (well not really my expectations, my children’s expectations) of their Dad. He needs to do more. I’m not going to allow my children to have a Sunday Dad just because me and N are separated. How do I set this expectation with someone who can barely have a conversation with me about anything? How do I get him to want to do more?
Another thing I have been far too busy to do this week is check up on how the solicitor is doing with the financial arrangements linked to the divorce. Or to check if I have forgotten to do something which is now holding the process up. Solicitors are funny things, the one I have used is amazing but my god she is super expensive 💰. There really should be a disclaimer when you get married about the costs of a divorce. For my solicitor to just open an email from me or anything to do my my divorce she charges me £12.00! I would rather drive to her office (I would find the time to do this) open the email on her laptop and read it to her word by word than pay £12! That’s before she has done anything which is requested in the email. I’m in the wrong job for sure.
So enough of my moaning….. I think I may have some news after my dating website rant last week.
I’m chatting to a normal person! A real person who has a job, doesn’t spend his life in the gym and actually has interests other than sending 🍆 pics and he wants to take me out for an actual date – on him 😲. I’ve had mixed feelings all week as I still think this may be too soon to start dating again but I am looking forward to maybe being treated nicely and having some decent conversation with an adult. That’s got to be a good place to start, right?