Feelings are a funny thing aren’t they? Most of the time you are fine (sometimes great) in a routine type state and then something happens and it feels like everything has gone back to square one.
First of all, I missed my usual Sunday blog post because basically Sunday was a shit show.
Sunday morning N took the kids for the day and I got ready for my date, the one I was actually looking forward to, with a normal person. It was slightly tarred by N messaging me numerous times about what I was doing and where I was going, just purely being nosy. I mentioned that I was going on a date hoping that he would leave me alone but he started talking about ‘us’. There hasn’t been an ‘us’ in a long time and I told him exactly that and to not forget he has a girlfriend.
So I go on my date, its nice ish. We had a lovely walk around an art gallery and gardens, went for a yummy Sunday lunch, getting to know each other, all very good. I text my date once I got home to say that I’d had a really good time thank you for buying lunch etc.
I have heard nothing since, nothing!
Not a text to say ‘I’m sorry I just didn’t feel anything’, not ‘sorry I’m too busy to date’, not even a response. What a bloody waste of my time, although I cant complain about the free lunch.
I feel that being over 30 years of age we are now grown ups, what is the point of not being honest?
Anyway that was the least of my worries on Sunday…… onto why I’m going around and around in circles.
Once I returned home I was bombarded with messages from N about him needing to talk to me, so he brought the kids home early and we sat and talked. He wants to try again, he wants to be a family, he has been ignoring his feelings about me and he loves me. This part of Sunday for me is a bit hazy really and I cant quite remember what my reaction was or what I said. It could have been the two large glasses of free wine at lunchtime 😬. His confession came as a complete surprise and he left to go and tell his girlfriend his decision. About 2 hours later he turned back up at my house upset that he had hurt her feelings but he was doing it for the right reasons. During his departure it gave me a chance to think. I would give anything to be a family again, I know that I have changed for the better but N would have to change lots before I considered trying to be in a relationship again. My advice to N was that he take some time to sort his head out and give him some single alone time to process everything that has happened in the past 6 months. He moved on so quickly from our marriage that he didn’t take the time to understand what he was feeling. Ive processed all of that now, I’m in a better place, the divorce is nearly finalised and I’m ok being on my own. I think.
Two days later….
N avoids me face to face and sends me an extra long text deciding being a family is not what he wants, that we cannot try again. He loves me but it wont work. He has spoken to lots of people (he wont have told them that we have been sleeping together for the past 4 months but 🤷) and he is taking their advice. It seems that N has no idea about what he wants or doesn’t want. Do you know what? That is completely fine. Getting a divorce and having children isn’t easy. Everyone gets confused. But here is the kicker…..
Why does this hurt me so badly? again? Ive been sucked back in with the thought of everyone being happy and everything working out at some point in the future. Then he burns it to the ground again.
I think the answer to that is that I’m a fixer. I like to fix things for people. I like to help people. I want to fix my marriage but not for the reasons you might think and I want to fix N. I will always love N he is the father of my child/ren. I want to fix my marriage because I liked that I was a wife, I liked that I had a husband. It meant I wasn’t alone. It meant I had been chosen and I had chosen someone (which I never thought would happen). I’m not upset about N, his list of negative qualities is ever growing by the day. I’m scared of being alone. My marriage cannot be fixed and I have to accept that.
I cant fix N, I can only fix me. So off to the depths of Google to find out how I get over my marriage ending again! How do I become at peace with being alone? How long will this take? Why do I feel like a complete idiot again? Because I am completely fed up of being ok then going around and around in a circle. I will get there and I wont be letting N or his confused brain do this to me again. I’m channelling my inner Beyoncé from now on.
In other news the child maintenance service has calculated Ns payments and it DOUBLE what he is currently paying me through a private arrangement each month. A little part of me thinks this might be karma for him being a dick head over the past few days 🤣. I’ve already had a message from him stating he cannot afford the payments so wont be paying anything. Why do some men think this is acceptable? Not to pay for their child. But that’s another blog post later down the line I expect.