Today I Am…. Honest

Since my last post, I messaged A (Ns ex girlfriend) I wanted her to know things from my side. Yes I wanted to fix my marriage, yes me and N have slept together, I wanted my family back but I am not the cause of all of this drama. I’m part of it but not the cause. The cause is N, moving on so quickly and not finalising our relationship which led to mixed emotions and feelings on all sides.

Ever since messaging A I’ve felt terrible. At the time I contacted her I was lonely, insecure and jealous. (On a side note – I think I might have some slight issues with abandonment or wanting someone to think I’m important.) I’m broken.

In my head I know that I deserve better than the way I have been treated and I know I will be fine on my own with my amazing children. What I needed from N was for him to be honest. Really honest about all of it, what was the point of the past 4 months?

In my heart I have no idea what is going on. Why can’t I let go of this? It’s like an obsession thinking about things over and over. I think I’m in denial or in some emotionally toxic and abusive relationship that I can’t get out of or that I hadn’t seen until now. He wont let me go.

The old me (from many many years ago) would never of allowed myself to get hurt in the first place or be dragged back into all of this mess. The old me would have burnt everything to the ground (metaphorically) and risen from the ashes like a phoenix. Why can’t I do that now? I will do that now. I think way back to the time where I was on holiday with my boyfriend in Ibiza, we were quite drunk and he had passed out on the bed. His phone was pinging and pinging and pinging with text tones, when I looked at the screen I found out that he was cheating on me. So while he was asleep on the bed I packed my things and jumped on the next flight home with all of his flight information and tickets and never spoke to him again. Where is that person? Have I been so worn down that she doesn’t exist anymore?

The awkward conversation me and N had to have happened this morning. He has confessed that he has hurt a lot of people, he’s been confused and that he doesn’t think me and him being together will work – he loves me but far too much has happened to try again. Why? because A is still talking to him and he is in love with her.

I’m Ns back up plan. And I’m removing myself from that equation. None of this has been about love or N caring about me. None of it has been about my feelings, how could I possibly think that I could be with someone who only cares about them self. He doesn’t even care enough to ring his kids on a weekly basis! Ive been kidding myself and living in some sort of fantasy place where everything works itself out like a Disney movie. Dam you Disney!

This has only ever being about N having a safe bet to fall back on if things get tough with A. Why does he get to decide what happens? Its taken a long time for me to figure out but now I get to decide what happens.

So my new plan is to work on me. Fill my life with all of the things that make me happy, again. Not to be dragged back into something that plays with my feelings, which will happen. No dating, no men just me and my children, work and friends.

I’m most certainly sure Ive been here before and written about this before. Now I am honestly ready to commit.

S

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