Today I Am…. In mental week

This week has been a little bit emotional…… I’ve been poorly (just run down I think) and also its been ‘mental week’. Mental week is a term that can only be described as loosing your sense of normality and acting purely on emotions. You are no longer a rational person 😂 Things annoy you, things upset you and it usually coincides with that time in a month for females. The trick is knowing that you are being mental in mental week.

In this mental week, I’ve been very upset that N spoilt our marriage, I wasn’t entirely faultless I accept that but his actions with money and gambling were ultimately our downfall. Because its mental week this has upset me far more than it should have done. I think I’m looking for someone to blame and that person is N obviously! Why am I having to pick up all of the pieces and hold everything together because he couldn’t be a decent person and be a normal husband/Dad? Why am I the one who doesn’t get a sleep in because he cant have the kids overnight? All because he chose to move miles away with his girlfriend which took this option off the table.

I’m upset and very cross about the unfairness of it all.

N has a solution to this and would like to forgo the 6 month stable new relationship clause we have in our parent plan for child arrangements. For the kids to go and stay with him and A, for alternating weeks! 7 days with Dad, 7 Days with Mum. I’ve got to break this down in my head into positives and negatives. Ultimately I have to decide if this is best thing for the children.

Positives

  • I would be able to sleep in – I currently never feel rested and its impossible to be extremely patient with children when you are so run down. Sometimes you snap when you know you shouldn’t
  • I would be able to have some time to self care – this links with point one above, I can’t remember the last time I even had a long soak in the bath without someone needing a wee!
  • The kids would get to see more of their Dad
  • I could use the time to go away with my friends on holiday
  • I could exercise every day
  • I could spend the time trying to remember what it was that people did in their spare time before they had children. I truly cannot remember, I think I just got drunk A LOT!
  • I could get drunk and be hungover peacefully the next day

Most of the above thoughts are all about me, my time and my need for a break. It feels pretty selfish.

Negatives

  • I don’t see my children for 7 days
  • The children don’t get to see me for 7 days
  • I’m replaced every other week by A who will become step mum and is a stranger to me and my children
  • The children’s routine, school/nursery and life is here – not where N and A live 20 miles away
  • E currently has some anxiety about leaving me because she thinks that something bad is going to happen to me. She even feels like this at school on a day to day basis and she now has a counsellor at school to help her feel more in control of these emotions
  • I think N is only suggesting this arrangement because he knows it will upset me plus it will reduce the amount of child maintenance he has to pay

This final point is eating away at me. N currently sees the children on a Sunday 9am-5pm, he doesn’t phone or message to see how they are at any time. This week he called into my house because he wanted to pick up the Xbox that he had lent E – then changed his mind once he arrived 🙄. He didn’t come when the kids were at home, in fact of all of the times that N has come to the house in the past 4 months not once has it been when the kids have been here. Why does he want to see me instead of the kids? He picked J up from nursery on Friday evening whilst I was at a hospital appointment, this took approximately 15-20 mins. He didn’t want to stay and spend time with the kids even though J was asking if Daddy would bath him and the fact that he hadn’t seen either of the kids for five days. Actions speak louder than words.

I suggested a different timetable of him having them Friday to Sunday or Monday each week. This broke my heart as I then become the mum who only gets to rush them off to school each morning and bed once they get home. I know that my children have to see their Dad. N didn’t like my suggestion one bit because then he doesn’t have a life! He would go to work and look after the kids. In his words he needs a life as well. 😢 my children are my life and his reaction makes me incredibly sad. What does he think I have been doing for the past 9 months? I’ve had no life I’ve worked and looked after the kids – that’s what parents have to do. I’ve picked up the slack because there was no one else who was attempting to do it.

When I think about Ns actions over the past few months, he hasn’t paid maintenance (because he doesn’t want to give ME money! That’s a whole new blog post entirely), he only see’s the kids on a Sunday and finds stupid excuses to come to my house when I am alone. N says that spending one week with me and one week with him is best for the children but I don’t think N thinks about anyone other than himself. He wants to be able to say he has his kids 50% of the time and for him to be seen as some super Dad. It’s all very self absorbed, how did I convince myself to marry this guy all those years ago?

So I’m coming out of mental week feeling stronger, knowing that what I am doing is the best for my children and for me. The cherry on the cake is that now I just want N to be a decent Dad – I don’t see him in a romantic way anymore.

A is welcome to his cheating, lying, self absorbed and broke ass.

God it feels good to finally be able to write that

Speak soon

S

x

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