Today I Am…. Not Ready

I opened my laptop this morning fully intending to blog about something different entirely, I’m unsure and worried about a whole matter of things today. I’ve come to the conclusion that my uncertainty is because there are a number of things at the moment that I am completely avoiding. They don’t keep me awake at night (nothing could keep me awake at night I live with a 2 year old who thinks 5am is an awesome time to wake up everyday 😭) but they are always in the back of my mind.

Christmas:

The rest of the UK seem to be getting into the swing of Christmas, decorating houses early, buying gifts and deciding who to spend their time. I’m not ready, I’m not ready for the countdown to Christmas Day without my children. Even if it is only going to be for part of the day. I’ve given lots of advice to my friends recently who are in similar situations to me (who should they spend time with and when should they see their children/boyfriend/mother etc). This was my advice. CHRISTMAS IS JUST ONE DAY, DO WHAT YOU WANT. One day of the year, yes there is a different element to it but it is just a regular day. Looking back right now I can honestly say my advice is shit. I am full of shit πŸ˜©πŸ˜†. N is having the kids in the afternoon on Christmas Day, which means I’m certainly not making a Christmas lunch for one. I have visions of a microwave meal for one and crying into my alcoholic beverage of choice πŸ˜ƒ. Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe seeing my family and the kids in the morning will be a welcome change and the afternoon I can spend cleaning up wrapping paper and recovering from the morning with my lunatic family.

January:

This has been looming in my mind for a while. In January the six month agreement me and N made about introducing the kids to new partners will be up. Well that is if you forget about him cheating, leaving A, them getting back together and him announcing last week that things were not going so good between them! We have to come to some kind of agreement about the kids meeting A. In some ways I think I am ready. I know that I have zero interest in re-kindling things with N and the kids would benefit from staying over with their Dad. But I’m also still not ready and that’s because of the issues N keeps throwing into this situation. Telling me things are not working out very well with your new girlfriend is not reassuring me that this new relationship is strong enough to add children into the mix. The last thing I want are my children meeting various people that N has decided to shack up with over the next 10+ years. I’ve tried explaining my feelings to N but he still thinks I’m being vindictive and basically a knob head about his new relationship. I feel like he is parading his kids out for the whole world to see without truly thinking things through. And that sucks. I mean, I get it, if you had asked me 7 years ago right at the start of mine and Ns relationship if we would still be together now I would have said 100% yes. Love is blinding. I need to be that voice of reason for the kids when N doesn’t see things the same way.

Dating:

ERRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH where the bloody hell do I start. I always think I am ready to start dating again. I don’t know what the rush is if I’m completely honest. I barely have time to shower on a regular basis 🀒 never mind try and fit someone else into my hectic life. I know that I am happy it just being me and the kids. Why am I even trying to date? I’m still not ready. Recently coincidences have happened to remind me I’m not ready. Like the time when I got into the car and the radio played mine and Ns wedding dance song, turned it off ignored it. Ten minutes later (fully confident that the song would be finished) I turned it back on to hear the song I walked down the isle to. Give me a break! But it fully reminded me that this past year has been the hardest I’ve ever had to endure. Divorce is the most difficult thing I’ve had to do emotionally in my life. Maybe I wont be ready until the Decree Absolute is granted and it is fully framed on my wall at home πŸ‘. Just to remind me that I can get through the most difficult times, when I’m having a shit day.

Now I have to go and buy an advent calendar, so that I can count down the days to something I’m avoiding and not ready for. πŸ™„ 🀣🀣🀣

Speak soon

S

x

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