I think first, I should update everyone as to how the meeting went with my ex’s new partner. I REALLY liked her. In fact I think I might like her more than I like N at this moment in time 🤣 but that isn’t particularly hard. Her and N are moving house soon so that the kids can have their own bedroom rather than sharing. It was nice to put everything aside and just concentrate on the kids. It made me realise that me and N also need to be on the same page. Last Sunday I tried to have a calm talk with him, trust me this was incredibly difficult as when we are in the same room there is just an atmosphere. He was obviously extremely thankful that I hadn’t mentioned to A about the continuing (non-appropriate) messages he was sending. Those seem to have settled down in the past couple of weeks, after I pointed out that it wasn’t 👌. We spoke about how we were in different places with the kids. I need him to be present and supportive now (right at this moment) and he is only concentrating on moving house and making sure the kids have a future with him and A. I think that made us both realise where the other was coming from and the expectations I have. Since then its been very amicable. We also agreed on some additional days and evenings when the kids can stay over in the new year. They need that time with him, I NEED that. I don’t want to admit it but I need N so I can have a break occasionally. There’s this guilt feeling (sitting in my stomach) that I shouldn’t feel this way as a Mum. The other conflicting emotion or feeling I have is being pissed off at myself for needing N. I’m at the stage in my life where I don’t need a man for money or love or well anything. That’s why Ive just spent a fortune at LoveHoney 😉
This week has been just like any other week for me and the kids. School, nursery and work.
On Friday evening my eldest (E) asked if she could go and stay at her Dads, I thought now that everything was settled and amicable this would be a good idea for her to have some one on one time with him. Her little brother (J) does take a lot of attention away from her. So last night she stayed over for the first time. She’s had a fab time which has been shown to me in a barrage of photos, which I think might be the only way my child knows how to communicate. Amongst the pictures of what she’s had for breakfast is a picture of her and A and I feel it sting slightly. I text her back saying “I’m so pleased you are having a nice time, can’t wait to hear all about it when you get home”. When really I am thinking; why do I care? It’s a picture of a woman with my child. I’ve got plenty of pictures of my friends with E, why did it rock me? Maybe its because N is building his new happy family and I’m not interested in bringing someone else into my childrens’ lives yet. I think its pretty selfish in a way. Is it because A and N get to be the fun ones and all I get is the manic mornings trying to get them to school and nursery, make tea and then bedtimes? Don’t get me started on bedtimes! I’m considering tranquiliser darts for my two (I’m obviously joking!) but if I could legally, I would 🤣.
I have so many mixed feelings about all of this which weren’t there yesterday and I know its just a transition period for everyone. I’m pleased that E doesn’t feel like she has to hide anything about A from me and that she knows that I like A (so I don’t mind receiving pics of them together). I’m actually happy that they are having a nice time together, I would have hated to receive a message from E saying ‘I don’t like being here, come and get me’. Maybe I will feel better because I have blogged and removed all of this out of my head.
There is also another feeling I can feel raising up and that is smugness 😈. Todays weather is rainy, cold and our part of the UK is still within tier 3 restrictions. I know that there is jack sh*t to do with kids at the moment other than take them out for a walk, bake, TikTok, messy play inside etc. It’s a mission in itself to organise anything, even indoors, with such a huge age gap between them (9 years). I know full well that this evening once the kids have left, both N and A will feel what I feel every evening. Completely wiped out. N normally has the help of his parents who see the kids a lot, today is going to be much different. A works with kids but doesn’t have any of her own. I hope they think ‘how does S do this 7 days a week?’ If they don’t that’s fine – it’s not going to be sunshine rainbows and SnapChat photos forever.
Welcome to the world of parenting where wine is your saviour on an evening but is not worth the hangover the next day.
You also might look and feel like you have died a bit inside because there are only so many times you can ask a 2 year old to stop taking his nappy off and pretending his willy is a fire hose 🙊🙉🙈 😂😂😂😂