I don’t know if it’s due to me now being on annual leave from work or if it’s because we are coming to the end of a really shitty year. I’ve spent my last few days evaluating 2020.
This time last year I was dreading Christmas, I’d decided that I was going to leave N in the new year as it was best for the kids to have a normal Christmas. December 2019 was spent on egg shells, making sure that everyone else (but me) was happy. I’ve done that a lot over the past 10 – 15 years it turns out 🤦.
The pandemic has been a horrible time for everyone in the UK, I think secretly I’ve enjoyed the time on my own with the kids (I don’t think I would have said that in the middle of lockdown though!). It gave me space to work through what I wanted my life to look like. Now, when I look back at my blog posts from a few months ago and the absolute confusion and heartbreak I was faced with, I don’t recognise that person anymore. When I think about how I feel today, I cannot believe that I once felt that way. The only person I NEED is me 🤯
I’m more connected this Christmas, connected to friends (who I should have spent more time with), with my family (who are bat shit crazy and fun), with my children (who make me feel love and a sense of accomplishment) and most importantly I’m connected to me. This has made me realise that I need to invest in myself a little more, after all I do spend a lot of time with me 🤣. This year has made me dig deep into my feelings and emotions like never before (I actually usually hate all of the deep, mushy emotional stuff) and its made me a better person.
Social norms and society for years have told girls/women/females for years that you should act a certain way or be married and have kids by the time you are 35. What a load of crap! I was truly ashamed that my marriage hadn’t worked out and that now I had two children to two different men. That wasn’t due to my values in the slightest. I was willing to accept staying in a possible marriage/relationship walking on egg shells so that I didn’t have to be judged by other people. It makes me think of E and how she is constantly attached to her mobile device or some form of technology on TikTok or SnapChat. Believing that everyone drinks a old brew with whole milk and three pumps of caramel swirl multiple times a day, wearing their ridiculously priced trainers and oversized hoodies 🙄. What will be the social norms expected of our children? Because at the moment they live in a different online world to everyone else over 30. In the new year I will hatch a plan on how to remove E from this online world. My mum believes that to do this I have to offer my daughter better and exciting alternatives than staring at a screen. I hate to admit it but I think she might be right. It also sounds expensive 😂 I mean how many times can you convince your child that a ‘free’ walk around the woods with your ancient mum and annoying 2 year old brother is more exciting than a cool social influencer?
I tell my children most days how happy I am, I’m not lonely or sad because I don’t have a super expensive car or live with a partner who will provide for me. I can do anything I set my mind to, I’m going to nail 2021 just like I am the end of 2020.
All of these things above make me realise I am actually ready to date. Not live with, not get married to someone. Share some of my time and amazingness with someone else. It’s taken a full year to get to this point. Covid-19 isn’t going to allow dating to happen anytime quickly and that is completely fine with me, I’m not in a rush.
Smugness level for the past week 8/10 due to N looking dishevelled when returning the kids last Sunday.
This week he has them today, tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday 😲 Oh and we are potty training 🚽 💩 during this time too 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m playing nice with N but it doesn’t mean I can’t have a bit of fun at the same time