Today I Am…. Angry

I didn’t post last Sunday because when I woke up my boiler was leaking and I needed to be in clean up mode! I’m still waiting for it to be fixed by my landlord 🙄 so I’m still catching water in buckets for now. At least I still have hot water and heating it could be far worse!

For the past 2 weeks I’ve felt so angry about everything. I’ve had a lovely Christmas with my family and everything went smoothly with the kids splitting Xmas day between me and N. But I still cannot figure out why I feel so cross about everything. Maybe its because I didn’t blog last weekend and the delay in getting my thoughts and feelings onto a computer screen has built up over the past 2 weeks 🤷

  • I’m angry at N who again is putting house viewings above seeing his kids. Who cancels seeing their children to view a house? How many houses do you need to view? It must be the 40th one!
  • I’m cross that the period between Xmas and new year has not been plain sailing with my children. E is constantly attached to her phone and I decided enough was enough, the phone has been removed until she can regulate the time she spends on it. This cold turkey approach has resulted in catastrophic levels of meltdowns. I have not enjoyed this period of time as its been hard work. Parenting an 11 year old is bloody hard work. My expectations were me and my children sat around sharing hot chocolate in our PJ’s, watching films. In reality its been constant arguments and toys scattered across the living room so a constant wave of tidying up is required.
  • The above point makes me think back to this time last year and the constant arguments between me and N, walking on egg shells around him because he was depressed. It made me think ‘is the period between Xmas and new year any different now we are getting divorced?’ and this year the answer is no. He’s off work and has still not had the kids enough this week (he had them for 2 hours one afternoon so I could tidy the house), there is still no shared parental responsibilities. The ONLY thing that has changed is that he doesn’t live here anymore.
  • I’m actually cross with myself now as most of this blog post will be about N! Give me a break 🤦
  • N posted a Happy New Year message on his social media account and I saw red again. Here it is word for word

My usual HNY tweet is a little different this year. Back at the beginning of 2020 I was in the darkest of places, an experience I wish on no other human being. This tweet is to thank xxxx and xxxx and xxxx and xxxx You know what you’ve done.

I was cross at this because it seems like a ‘poor me’ that I had such a bad time in my marriage last year quote from N. He didn’t mention that he actually had an easy life, no cooking, no cleaning, no working, no parenting etc because I picked all of those things up. He was in such a dark place that he played Xbox constantly, gambled, went out, got pissed, stole money from me to fund these things and slept. I can’t deal with his constant need to be important. No thank you to his kids for having to put up with a shit parent, no thank you to me (I didn’t really expect one 🤣) for unknowingly funding his gambling or doing everything for the kids whilst he has dragged himself out of this dark place. The dark place that he wouldn’t wish upon anyone else but still decided to put me there at least three times in the past 12 months with all of his stupid mind games about our marriage.

Last night a very wise person told me that no matter how angry I get at N, he will never understand or think about his behaviour being the reason for his dark place. He needs to blame me. He will never understand anyone else’s point of view or side of the story, especially mine. He is the most important person, not his children or his new girlfriend.

He is the most important person who is still asking me for naked photos of me whilst dropping the children off. He is the person messaging me a picture of his bath asking me to provide video material for him to watch whilst he tugs on his dick with his girlfriend in the next room! No thanks! 🤮

I’m angry for A, who is oblivious to all of this and is buying a house with N any day, she has no idea what she is getting herself into but she has to figure that out herself I think. I’m angry if I do bring this up then I’m the one causing trouble and a scored women, not N who is actually just doing whatever he wants at any given time. Maybe I need to sit and think about this a bit more, I’m all for; girl power, women sticking together and I like A. Is it my place to share what’s happening? Or do I just let N get away with it again?

Anyway, I feel much better now I have ranted 😮‍💨 Now I can concentrate on my self care and get myself back to an even keel.

I don’t think I even have any funny online dating stories to share this week either! Fingers crossed I will have some more material for that next week.

Speak soon

S

x

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