So writing a book or attempting to is harder than I originally thought, if it was easy surely everyone would do it. There has to be a beginning, middle and end. There also has to be a genre. I don’t have a clue about any of this. My conclusion is just to write and hope that in the end I have something which resembles a book.
Ive googled a few ideas about book writing and the google gods suggest writing about what you know about. I know about sex, sex , sex, parenting and work probably in that order.
Sex has always been a huge part of my life and I don’t think I can write a book without speaking about it. Recently I’ve had a huge dry patch in the sex department which is so unusual for me. I’ve always seen sex as a transactional thing. The guy gets what he wants and I still get some kicks out of it, but primarily that transaction was me trying to prove to the guy that I was worth spending their time with for an actual relationship. Obviously this is completely fucked up, I know this! But even to this day (even though I’ve learnt my lesson about who I should let near my Fouf, yep that’s a word for my vagina haha) my past continues to pull me back in like a bad penny.
Sitting here on a Friday night like a fucking nun , tapping into my laptop rather than being ravished by some random stranger is fucking torture. I have a different perspective on who I should spend my time in bed with but there is always that calling of fuck this shit! lets contact someone who can make me feel better about myself or alive down there!
I’m pretty sure my affiliation to sex is because something was missing in my childhood. That’s what everything is linked back to supposedly (maybe the psychiatrists amongst us will be able to shed some light on). A bit like serial killers having a bad childhood and eventually turning their sights on prey. Maybe that explains my obsession with true crime! In some ways I see my childhood as the route cause to who I am now but honestly I had a really good experience and up bringing as a kid. My mum was a housewife, my dad worked for a major supermarket brand in a very demanding job. I didn’t see my dad very much throughout my childhood, he was there when I had parents evening or dance competitions shouting and cheering as loud as he possibly could but the majority of the time he was working 6/7 days a week. The absolute bonus to my dad working so much is that I wanted for nothing. Well apart from a pony, me and sister never got that. My dad was from a family who lived on a council estate and was the only male within a gaggle of sisters. My dad has told me that he lived in his sisters hand me down clothes and they really struggled for money on a daily basis. I think his motivation to work from 16 to 50+ years of age was so that his family didn’t have to go through the same type of upbringing, Anyway……… I had no clue about money or that some people didn’t have any, I was a princess. I wanted a new outfit to go out with my friends it arrived, we wanted to go on holidays twice a year it happened. Myself, my mum, brother and sister were spoilt. When my mum and dad divorced, when I was 16 years old, I really learned the value of money. I had no idea how long someone had to work to buy something and that is something I continually drill into my children, the value of money.
My relationship with my mum has been difficult for the past 20 years and she will be the first person to admit this. When I was in my early teens we were really close but I think between my desire to grow up so quickly and the continual lies (from me) about who I was spending my time with or what I was doing, completely hampered our relationship. Of course I didnt want my mum to find out what I was up to though!!!
I’m going to try and write about when I became sexually active and my sex life as I think this is really pertinent to who I am. I’ve slept with a fuck ton of people and I mean a fucking ton. I’ve lied to every single man I’ve dated about how many people I’ve slept with. I think the main reason for this is because society has always dictated that the more people you’ve slept with the bigger the slut you are. But I’m my 35 year wisdom I compare: – is sleeping with different people any different to sleeping with the same person multiple times? Absolutely not.
So I’m ready to come out to the world :-0 I’ve slept with well over 300 men since I was 13 years old. I mean the list is far too big to even start writing who those people might be. Sometimes I see people in my day to day life and I suddenly think oh yeah id forgotten about you. Some have no names and others have no face because of how drunk I was at the time. Looking back at my sex life now I’m 35 years old, I’m pretty bloody proud that Ive managed to collate such a number (its impressive) but a lot of people will be thinking how the hell is that possible or reasonable???!!
I never saw my virginity as a precious thing which you should give to someone you love and trust. It was something I gave away to feel grown up and (I didn’t realise at the time) but sex was something that I could manipulate men into doing as I wanted.
The story I have given every single person about losing my virginity has been a big fat lie. Even my best friend, sorry Laura!. I didn’t lose my virginity to a boy my age called Ross in the middle of a field during romantic moonlight, I mean it happened but it wasn’t my first time- even Ross didn’t know I wasn’t a virgin! I’m great at faking it turns out (more on this later) . In fact it has happened months prior with a grown man, who was in his 20’s and I was 13. Looking at this now I have a 12 year old daughter scares the shit out of me. It was completely inappropriate but actually it was just a means to an end. I thought that is what men/boys wanted from me so I had to get it over and done with as soon as possible.
I need to go to bed but there is something about writing all of this shit down that is quite liberating and finally I can stop keeping my life from 13 year old onwards a secret.